From Both Sides of the Same Space
This hopefully isn’t a controversial opinion but I firmly believe that every therapist should have at one time been to therapy themselves (or could be currently attending). I believe this for a myriad of reasons. First and foremost because I just think it’s hypocritical to ask our clients to do things like be honest, face their emotions, be empathetic towards themselves, journal, have hard conversations, create/enforce boundaries; but not engage in those ourselves. How can we ask anyone to come into our offices and bare themselves to a stranger and yet be unwilling to sit on the opposite side of that chasm? There is a quality to receiving therapy that is inherently different to providing it and I think it can really help broaden a therapist’s insights and empathy. That’s precisely why I love therapy- both providing it and experiencing it. Therapy is for anyone and everyone. Therapy is about learning and any of us can do that at any age. It’s never too late to try.
I have been practicing in the field of Social Work since 2016 and specifically providing private therapy since 2021. Over the last almost decade in the field, I have been in and out of therapy myself at least 5 times. Being on both sides of the experience has provided so much insight for me on things like methods of communication, what growth and maintenance look like, managing compassion fatigue, being realistic and increasing my tools. Sooooo what does all that even mean? Fair question.
Communication Styles
There are a lot of ways to communicate. Obviously, the verbal kind is preferred for therapy but I have learned to utilize other methods in different ways and in turn suggest it to my clients as well. As an example, I have experimented with emailing my therapist in between appointments just to note what has been going on or what I tried that week. I have also tried keeping various kinds of notes for myself- written and digital. I’ve learned to pause during therapy and consider what I’m being asked or what I’m feeling instead of immediately answering. I utilize less eye contact when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I inform my therapists that it’s not avoidance in my case but more of a neurodivergent need. The list goes on. Now I know to look out for more communication shifts in my clients or make suggestions to them so they can utilize new or different means to better support them in therapy and outside of it.
Growth vs. Maintenance
This may be a new concept to some people reading this but therapy isn’t always about growth. You don’t need to make strides every time you come to therapy. Sometimes the goal is actually learning to maintain some of the work you have already done. If you’ve been working on say self-care and you develop a good system around this, that’s the growth part. If you then continue to simply practice being aware of your needs and utilizing those same self-care methods without adding anything additional, that’s maintaining.
We can have periods of growth in life that vary on frequency and intensity but we also should have periods where we are simply maintaining what we have and kind of coasting. Both are great, both are necessary. Prior to diving into therapy myself, I had a picture in my head that therapy was always about growth and hard work. That’s what it seemed like in my graduate work. Encouraging my clients to take breaks from therapy or to learn how to maintain has been really beneficial in further connecting. If you’re in a period of maintenance, I encourage you to keep going.
Compassion Fatigue and Adding Tools
I will spare you the details on compassion fatigue as that is primarily an issue for providers and not clients as much. Basically, it is the weight that providers can carry from holding space for their patients or clients and worrying about them as most empathetic humans do. Any therapist worth their salt should be doing their best to manage their own stress and actively take care of themselves. This doesn’t happen as much as it should but I kind of view it like being a parent. You can’t be there for others 100% if you’re not caring for yourself. Do many parents actually set aside time for themselves? No. Different fields, same issues. I’d like to think a majority of us try though, just like parents do.
Still, it is not the client’s job to worry about their therapist. Therapy is your time and your space. We should show up as best we can for you. So if you notice your therapist seems distracted or fatigued, remember that they are a human but don’t be afraid to gently point it out if you’re feeling unheard or frustrated. Something like, “It seems like you’re a little distracted today. I’m kind of struggling to keep going because I don’t know if you’re hearing me. Can we reset maybe?” This can be harsh to hear as a therapist but it’s also an opportunity for them to validate you, shake it off and re-engage.
Increasing my tools is also fairly straightforward. Working with other therapists often helps broaden my horizon on tools, workbooks, skills, worksheets and reading material to review that I can then vet for myself and pass on to my own clients. I don’t really know any therapist who hasn’t done this if they receive therapy themselves. Or if they are apart of a provider group. If you want to call me a thief then by all means, lock me up. Keep this in mind when you receive worksheets from your therapist or when they recommend a book or some other material. Most of the time we only get maybe an hour with you a week and there’s so much information out there. Many of us don’t have the time or resources to make our own material and you deserve to have more resources not less. Thus we often comb the interwebs for helpful tools to pass on. You can at least trust that we are vetting what we recommend or provide you.
Being Realistic
Now for the last bit: being realistic. This one has admittedly been one of the hardest for me to learn both as a client and a therapist. Sometimes people go into therapy with really big goals. Things like completely forgetting wrongs committed to them or being “fully healed” from their trauma or “getting rid” of their anxiety. That’s a big ask. That’s a big ask for your therapist and that’s a big ask for yourself. There are parts of ourselves we can never fully heal or get rid of. I have gaps in my childhood memory due to my ADHD and I will never get them back.
That sometimes makes me sad but I also can’t blame myself, my parents, the world or hate my ADHD brain. I have instead chosen to work on understanding how memory issues work in an ADHD brain and be more empathetic towards myself especially since this will be an ongoing issue. I have worked on accepting I have lost some things and there are other things I will always carry. Sometimes being realistic is also about breaking down goals into smaller chunks and being patient. Just because you don’t know where the path leads doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to walk. Maybe you find other options on the way?
Therapy is amazing. It’s something that I think should be accessible to anyone. Not necessarily mandatory as I do think there are people who manage on their own just fine; but at least an option to anyone who wants to try. There are so many methodologies, techniques and experience out there to draw from. Therapy can heal, it can teach and it can comfort us. The longer I practice therapy and participate in it, the more I come to love about it. Maybe give it a try if you haven’t before. Or give it another try even if you have. You never know, it could open something for you.
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